When I first saw this guy, I told myself, “wow he’s cute”. When I knew how chicksboy he is, I told myself, “well this is just an admiration, this will die, and he’s not the person I want to be with.” We talked a little and share with our little life experiences. When I knew him more I told myself, “Oh really, he’s exactly the total opposite of the person I’d like.” He tried to sort of court me but I always told him that I will not be one those girls he victimized. I asked him if he has a girlfriend but he said they already broke up. I said to him that I will not believe all he’s going to say because I know that they will all be lies.  Anyway, we still talked a little and when I was talking to other people I felt that he’s staring at me but I wouldn’t stare back at him. I didn’t know but I was too afraid to stare back.

I met another guy who’s very sweet, caring and thoughtful. He’s really the kind of person I want to be with. However, when I was in deep pain and was expecting this “Sweet Boy” to comfort me, he didn’t do anything and he’s even avoiding me. My dad was sick and he needed a blood. I texted all the numbers in my phone book including “Sweet Boy” but he did not respond. When my dad died, “Sweet Boy” did not go to the wake even if he was informed and he really did not text me nor say anything. I was very hurt and in pain during that time and I was expecting him but he failed me and I was very disappointed by him.

All of a sudden, the least person I did not expect to be there with my painful days texted me and it was “ChicksBoy”. I was surprised when he texted me and said he will donate blood for my dad but he won’t promise because he’s scared to donate. But yet he still donated blood and conquered his fear. I felt so guilty when I saw him very pale when the the nurse pierced the needle to his skin. I was so amazed of what he did and it really never ever came into my mind that he would do that for me. I asked him why he did that and he said that it’s his pleasure to help the needy. I didn’t buy it, of course. My dad died and he’s still there. He comforted me and he was there when I needed someone to talk with. I always thought that he’s the villain and “Sweet Boy’s” the superhero but I was very wrong.

I still don’t like this guy. I really don’t like him but now I found out that I love him very much. I am a very conservative person and I set rules to myself including of not going to a guy’s place but I broke my own rules. I went there and even slept in his boarding house. I slept there because his sister just died and he was very depressed. I just wanted to comfort him just like what he did when my dad died.

He let me sleep in his bed and he on the floor. However, after a few minutes he suddenly rose and laid on the bed. He said, “The bed can be occupied by two. I will just sleep here and I will just put pillows between us as a border.” I did not respond because I wanted to tell him “please hug me”. Suddenly he asked who’s my crush in our workplace and I said I don’t have any. I fired the question back to him and he said, “I like ML.” He calls me ML because he said it’s short for “Madam Elle” but I wish it could be “My Love.” I asked him who’s ML, he said I don’t know who’s that. I told myself why just he can’t say straight at me? He’s a chicksboy, it should be easy for him to to tell. Anyway, I asked him why he likes me, he said, “ML, you were there when I needed someone. You’re so caring and you comforted me. You just don’t know that.. but it means a lot.” I choked and I did not believe him. I told him, “Ows really? I know that’s not true because I am not the type of person you would like. I am not sexy I am not mestiza and most of all I am not beautiful.” He said, “That does not really matter at all.” I couldn’t believe him. It felt like I was dreaming and did not want to wake up anymore. He asked me if who I really like in our workplace and I said it’s you. Waaaaaaaaa. He also couldn’t believe it. He asked, “Why me? You already knew me. I am chicksboy and blah blah. Why me?” I just said I don’t know. He said again, “Yeah, you knew me but not all. NOt all about me. I fell silent and suddenly said prove me that you like me. It was like a “huh?” to me. I wanted to tell him that being here in your boarding house and lying in your bed is a really proof that I like you and I love you but I did not say that, instead, I said, “You. Prove me that you like me.” He suddenly touched my face but abruptly removed it right away and he said, “Ay, you will be angry if I do that.” I said, ” No, I won’t.” He suddenly kissed me and I did not really expect it. That’s my first kiss after 23 years in my life and I have not experienced any bf yet because I am kinda picky when it comes to guys. After that, he said, “I am sorry. I am very sorry. I know you might think that I took advantage of the situation but I did not.” All I said is, “No, it’s okay. Do you really like me?” He answered, “I wouldn’t kiss you if I don’t. Anyway, I am really sorry, I’ll just sleep on the floor. Good night and sleep tight.

I couldn’t sleep on that night. It felt like I own the whole world and shout to the entire universe that I just had my first kiss to the person I truly love. I couldn’t believe that the person I like, likes me as well. It never happened in my life until now. I thought everything’s alright. I thought we will be more closer after that but it didn’t. The night after that, he texted me to forget everything because he was just tempted. Oh!!!!!!It hurts so much. It torn my heart into pieces. I couldn’t believe what he was saying. However, I replied, it’s okay, let’s just pretend that nothing happened…..And that was the last text I received from him.

The day after that we felt awkward by each other. One of our officemate said if we quarelled but of course no one answered. However, our friendship was back and we did not talk about love nor of what was happened to us. Until he did not text me nor said hi when we meet in our workplace. I can still feel and notice him watching me and staring at me but I really don’t have any courage to stare him back. I don’t know what to do. Maybe, I am just too afraid of what I am going to find out. I am afraid that he will snob me or too afraid that he will find in my eyes that I love him. I know that he’s enjoying looking at me. Damn him. I really hate him but I couldn’t stop loving him. It aches me to see him everyday and he continues to ignore me. He is very near but yet too far away. I don’t want to greet him first because I am afraid if he will just ignore me and snob me. I want to forget him but I can’t because I see him everyday. He is very so unfair. I see  his face everywhere, I see him among the people I see on the streets. I feel jealous with no apparent reason. It hurt so badly and I couldn’t help crying whenever we pass each other and treating one another as if we are strangers.

Guys, do you think he meant what he said to me during the night he kissed me? Why did he take back all he said? I don’t understand. Was he ashamed because I did not kiss back? But I really don’t know how to kiss. Do you think he loves me or he’s just playing with me? But he’s stares are very…and when I attempt to stare back he immediately look back to another side. I want this feeling to die but I can’t because I see him everyday and I just can’t. I don’t know but there’s a feeling in me that he’s my SOULMATE. I hope this is a happy ending.

The worst thing is — maybe we did/do not believe that we like/love each other and we are just hiding our own feelings.